Looking In
by Jade S
Summary: Um, Ok, my first atempt at a song fic! Mimi's POV. Maybe a little depressing! I dunno, depends I guess. Read! Review! Thanx!


A/N: Hey peeps! This is my first atempt at a song fic! Hope it doesn't suck to bad!!! What can I say, I tried! Damn writers block!!! Oh well, anyway, this is from Mimi's POV about how she feels misunderstood! The song is "Looking in" by Mariah Carey. I just kinda thought it sound like Mimi, but then again I'm also convinced that Mimi's really depressed and misunderstood so this might be a little depressing! Just a little! Oh, and we're gonna pretend that they're back in the digiworld or something cause I forgot about time frames or whatever when I wrote this. OK, I'm done now, please r/r!  
  
Enjoy!   
  
~~~  
  
Looking In  
  
~~~  
  
I had the first watch tonight. Something that I didn't do often. Usually I'd do whatever I could to get out of standing watch, but tonight, tonight I just couldn't sleep. I had way to much on my mind and I needed some time to myself. It was dumb really, the things that bothered me that is. I got upset way to easily. I always had, but the way I expressed it wasn't the way I should. And when I didn't express it, well then it was even worse.  
  
It's late now, and quiet. To quiet, that's just the way it is at night when no one else is awake. Even my faithful digimon, Palmon, my best friend who was supposed to be on watch with me fell asleep about half an hour ago. I didn't mind, she needed her rest and I needed to be alone for a while anyway. So here I am, alone, locked in an eerie silence and surrounded by darkness and I can't help but stare at the others. My friends who I'd gone through so much with. We'd faced so much and somehow we survived it all. But still, one thought lingered in my mind, dominant over all others and all to persistent.  
  
And that particular thought had been bothering me for some time now, refusing to go away no matter how badly I wished that it would. That one thought was of the fact that no matter how long we'd all been together, none of them, not one, knew me for who I really was.   
  
(You look at me and see the girl. Who lives inside the golden world. But don't believe That's all there is to see. You'll never know the real me.)  
  
I was a ditz, a whiner, a bother, like extra baggage they were forced to drag along on their journey. I knew I wasn't really a necessity, and that they could get along just fine if not better had I not been there. No, they didn't really need me, what they need was someone they could really count on, someone they knew would be there.  
  
Not that I wasn't dependable, not that I wouldn't do anything for a friend. Especially now that we'd lost so many. No, that wasn't it. The problem was how they'd feel about it. Did they even know that they could rely on me? That if they needed help that I'd be there. Did they realize just how much I do care?  
  
No, I doubt it. How could they when I always act the way I do? When I kept the real me hidden so well, deep inside myself, locked away behind the facade of this ever cheery and perky girl they know me as? I guess I didn't really want them, or anyone else for that matter to know just how alone and insecure I really was.  
  
It's not like I wanted to be that way. I had so many hopes and dreams that I didn't know what to do with them. I just wanted more. So much more. Not in a material sense but in general. I wanted to be more, to be different, I wanted to be me.  
  
But I couldn't, for some reason I just couldn't. And no matter how much I dreamed it I just couldn't be me. I know it sounds really stupid but I guess I was afraid of what they might think. Yes, me Mimi, the girl whose oh so confident and always speaks her mind afraid of what the others might think. What if they didn't like who I really was? I mean I remember Tai being angry when I was crying over the loss of our friends. And then when I didn't want to fight anymore, and I split up the group even more. Those had both been times when I'd aloud the real me to shine through, and both of those times all I did was cause trouble. That's all I ever did was cause trouble.  
  
  
(She smiles through a thousand tears. And harbors adolescent fears. She dreams of all That she can never be. She wades in insecurity. And hides herself inside of me.)  
  
  
It's weird really, that I could so insecure and still have such great friends. It didn't really make much sense to me, that I could have so much and still feel so lonely. I mean when I think about it, I do have everything, I always have. I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for, I have great parents who love me, and just about everything else I could possibly want. But maybe that's the problem, I've always gotten everything I ever wanted I had been so spoiled as a child that I just assumed things would always go my way.   
  
But I've never been selfish, no matter how much I may seem that way. It's not like I don't know how lucky I am, I do, I really do. I mean, what more could a girl like me possibly ask for? I have love, I have friends, I have everything and yet I still want more. I just felt so lonely sometimes, so misunderstood, and I was so totally sick of it. People assume to much about me, they just label me as some ditzy girl who has everything. But seriously, is it my fault that I'm so lucky? Why can't people just take the time and get to know me before they make their assumptions? Why?  
  
  
(Don't say she takes it all for granted. I'm well aware of all I have. Don't think that I am disenchanted. Please understand.)  
  
  
I don't think I've ever really felt whole. There was just something missing from my life that I couldn't quite place. And I knew it was eating away at my soul. I hated that feeling. I hated that no one really knew me, why couldn't I just say something, why couldn't I just tell them how I fell? After all they are my friends, maybe they could help, maybe. But no, we don't have time for that, we've got to much to do to have them worrying over me. Besides, I'd be OK. I always have been.  
  
I wasn't really one of them anyway. Sure I was a digidestined, but was I really a member of the team? Do they really need me? Do they really want me? Who knows, I guess they do, but that's how I fell, like they didn't really need me at all.   
  
But still, I have to try. I still have to help them and try my best. I can't let this bring me down, I just can't. Why do I have to think like this? All I'm accomplishing by thinking this way is making myself upset. And I know it'll only hurt the others if I keep thinking this way. I have to stop myself, I have to do my best to look on the brighter side of things, and I can't let this bother me so. Even if it did hurt. I'm just so mixed up right now, why is this so hard for me? Maybe if they really knew me, the real me, the way I really fell. If only I could change, if only I could show them who I really was.  
  
(It seems as though I've always been, somebody outside looking in. Well, here I am for all of them to bleed. But they can't take my heart from me. And they can't bring me to my knees. They'll never know the real me.)  
  
I sighed as Palmon rolled over and opened her eye's. "You still up Mimi?" She asked as if it wasn't obvious.  
  
I looked down at her with a tiny smile "Yeah." I answered my friend simply   
  
"Well, I think your done for tonight, why don't you go wake up Tai and go to sleep." She suggested and I nodded as I stood up and headed over to where Tai was sleeping. "Hey you feeling OK?" I spun around, how did she know I was upset?  
  
"I'm fine." I replied though I knew my eye's told her other wise. Palmon stared at me for a moment looking a little worried.  
  
"Are you sure Mimi, you know you can tell me anything right?" She asked and I tried my best to smile at her again though I don't really think I was as successful as I'd hoped to be.  
  
"Yeah, I'm sure. I'm just tried is all." And with that I turned back to Tai and shook him gently so not to wake the others. It wasn't long after that I was laying on the ground with my eye's closed, Palmon not far away. Yeah, I'm just tired. I thought to myself. I'll feel better after I get some sleep. And maybe someday I'll even tell them, maybe then I'll show them the real me.   
  
~~~  
  
The End  
  
~~~  
  
A/N: OK, there you go. Did that suck? Did it even make sense? Did it even sound like it could be Mimi? Hmmmm......Oh well, whatever. Hope ya liked it!!! At least it's not poetry! OK, that's about it! C'ya! 


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